Day 26

Occurred March 4, 2009

Today's favor was about remembering those we tend to forget. I received a request asking for me to go to a senior center and read a story to a resident who did not normally have many visitors. This request came from one of the kindest individuals I have ever had the pleasure to meet. She lives outside of California and had read about the 32 Favors project in a posting on Facebook and wanted to participate in the "infinite chain of kindness." She said she could think of no greater favor than showing someone they had not been forgotten.

I chose a senior center and decided to bring Margaret Wise Brown's "The Runaway Bunny" as the story to share. It had been one of my favorite books as a child and is message of a mother's love transcending any physical and or emotional distance we, as children, try and impose, is immensely comforting. Upon entering the center, I asked the receptionist if it would be OK to read the book to someone who normally did not get visits. She paused and looked me over head-to-toe and finally nodded and thumbed through a list of residents. She selected one man and one woman, and said, "I know you asked just for one, but these two never receive visitors and it would mean the world to them to spend some time with a younger person. Are you OK with two?" I laughed slightly and smiled saying, "The more, the merrier. I have all afternoon." She led me down hallway to a door leading to a small patio and told me to take a seat and she would go and get the man and woman.

A few minutes later I saw them. The man and woman: two people standing with the help of a walker and a cane respectively. It was only in that moment, I realized why the receptionist chose these two: they were a couple, husband and wife, partners in life. I introduced myself and gave a brief overview of the 32 Favors Project and explained why I was there and what I had brought to read to them. It turned out the wife was very familiar with the book. She reminisced about reading it to her little boy, who had grown into her big boy only to be taken from her in the Vietnam war. He was their only child and still clearly lived inside both of his parents. So, this is why they have no visitors, they were each others family. I read the story cover-to-cover and when I finished I looked over and noticed they were much more alert than only a few moments prior, and were now holding hands and smiling. It reminded me of the movie "The Bluebird" where the grandparents who died tell the Shirley Temple character that each time she remembers them, they live again and wake up. Through the small act of reading them a story, a much larger thing occurred: I realized family is not just biological; it is with any one who we choose to see as being a part of our world. This couple was a part of mine and not apart from me.

Day 25

Occurred March 3, 2009

Today's favor was about service. I received a request asking me to donate a Pilates session to someone who could use my expertise but could not afford a private session. The request came from a woman who lives outside of LA and who I admire greatly and it touched me that she felt my time given to another would be a "gift." I thought carefully about how to approach this favor and decided to let someone else choose who would receive the session. I asked friends and family if they knew someone in the LA area who would be interested in receiving a free private Pilates session. I read off the list of potential candidates to one of my long-term clients and asked her to choose one recipient. She picked a woman who has suffered from Fibromyalgia for several years and recently lost her job due to the recession. I contacted our recipient and arranged for her to come into my studio for a complimentary session.

The day of our session arrived and the woman entered my studio nervously at our scheduled time. I outstretched my hand and welcomed her into the space. After filling out some paperwork, she asked me hesitantly, "Will this hurt?" I paused briefly before answering and then said, "Not one bit. You have had more than enough pain in your body, let's see if we can give you a new experience for it to remember." Her face softened and she announced enthusiastically, "OK, let's do it!" During the next 50 minutes I learned about the years of frustration she suffered at the hands of well-meaning medical professionals who believed telling her the pain she felt was "just in her head," would lessen rather than augment her concerns. By them denying her experience, they made it more fearful and real and therefore more painful. I told her she never needed to deny her pain around me and that my goal was to have her feel empowered rather than victimized by her body. For instance, I demonstrated how to move her arm in a very small range of motion with absolute precision thereby preventing her trapezius muscle from taking over and causing pain in her shoulder (a constant source of discomfort for her and many other Fibromyalgia sufferers). This simple exercise gave her confidence, something she had felt void of since the onset of her first symptoms. She smiled widely and told me "Thank you, thank you so much." I told her, the thanks should be directed towards her self, not me, she had done the work and been open to shift the way she saw her body serving her. While our single session did not "cure" her disease, it did offer her a gentle reminder that she had more say in what happened to her body than she previously thought. This was one of my favorite favors to date; it reflected to me the power of choice when we choose to take action regarding how our experiences either serve or hinder our development and ultimately our life's journey.

Day 24

Occurred on March 2, 2009

Today's favor was about time. I received a request asking me to help a friend come to terms with the notion of taking time to grieve for the recent death of her father. Her father was her world and with him being taken from her life a void was instantly apparent. Convention dictates we must move on when those close to us leave us in some fashion, be it death, abandonment, a break-up, divorce or separation. We are supposed to pick up the pieces, and tell everyone around us all will be fine and that we are OK. However, what I gathered from this request was that this individual was not OK and did not feel like moving on, she felt like stopping. She was seeking permission to stop and to think and to reflect. For some reason she felt guilt over this time being taken and at the same time, she saw no other option than to cease her life as she knew it.

Once I realized the complexities facing this woman and her conflict over doing what she was "supposed to" versus what she felt, I felt perplexed as how to accomplish this favor request. How could I offer her grace while also helping to facilitate her process of reconciling the loss of her father? Did I even know what helping her looked like? I decided to meet with her at a local wine bar and to have no other agenda for our meeting other than having her be heard. Maybe the true purpose of our meeting was not to convince her of anything but rather to have her discover her own truth and wisdom at her own pace and on her own time.

Even though we were surrounded by numerous people in a dimly lit room, the pain she carried spoke volumes to me. On the surface she appeared in complete control but her eyes betrayed the actual feelings she harbored. Her eyes were dull and it almost seemed as though she was wincing as she spoke about her father and about the memories, which although they remained unspoken to me, clearly filed her mind with vivid images. I asked how she was doing and then I just shut-up and listened. At the end of our evening, I felt extraordinarily privileged to have the opportunity to offer her the outlet to express herself without fear of judgment. Never once did I suggest she "should" do anything, I just listened. She came to her own conclusion: she would continue to take time to grieve until she felt it was time to do something else. The simplicity of her decision was the paragon of grace and I applaud her composure and clarity and courage to sit with her thoughts rather than rush to fill her life and time with extraneous things. The essence of this favor was self-full love; she realized in order to deal with the emptiness left by the passing of her father, she needed to fill her own tank with grace and compassion.

Day 23

This occurred on March 1, 2009:

Today's favor was about listening to what is true not what is perceived. I received a favor request asking me to practice accepting myself for one day. At first this request seemed easy and I almost adopted a cavalier attitude towards fulfilling it...almost! What I discovered what that this request was one of the most difficult of them all. For me it is far easier to give praise to others than to myself. As I sat on the edge of my bed, I realized I did not know where to start, but knew the first step was to not choose fear. No matter what I encountered throughout the day, I promised not to be swayed by fear. The only power I would give to today would be to facts.

Almost as if the universe chose to challenge this commitment to the 'nth degree, I immediately received my first trial. A Pilates client contacted me to say she could no longer continue sessions due to her husband's layoff from work. She apologized profusely and said how much she would miss our sessions together and that she knew she had just last week told me she was signing up for ten more sessions. I knew at that moment, I had a choice: to choose fear or love. I could interpret what she said as a negative and that she was somehow rejecting me and let it affect my entire day or I could listen to what she said, yet make no judgement of it. Due to today's favor, I was able to listen fully to what she said yet grant it no power to take away my peace of mind and happiness. Instead, because I loved myself and was secure in who I am and knew her ending the sessions was not personal and I had done an excellent job as her teacher, I offered her compassion and not the guilt she feared. I did not attempt to convince her to stay as a client, but I did tell her I valued our relationship and that my door was always open on both a personal and professional level. Stunned by my graciousness and by the lack of the guilt she assumed would surely follow from me, she simply said, "Thank you so much for understanding. You are a real friend." In that instant I realized the necessity of being a friend to me fully before ever being able to offer friendship to another completely without expectation or need of reciprocation. I took the time within my own mind to stop before making a judgement and discovered no one was to blame.

I have come to understand that in my life I have an extremely easy time offering acceptance without exception except to myself. Accepting ourselves means to choose to see the world as a place of learning. We may not always get it right, but choosing to continue to try and allow our minds to release the need for fear and separation from what we really are at our core is the beginning of starting a new beginning for each of us to accept everything and all that we are and hope to be.

Short Side Note

First off, I would like to thank everyone who follows this blog for the many thoughtful emails. Life happened these past two months, but today things cleared and I now have time to finish what I started. I completed the project in the 32 days, but have not posted since Day 22. Read on to see how things ultimately unfolded. The changes that occurred on the levels of my body, mind and spirit from me committing myself to this project continue to awe me and astound me. Thank you all for accompanying me on this amazing journey. And now on to Day 23!

Day 22

Today's favor was about family. I received a request from my mother to help her with tension in her low back and shoulder. For the past few months she has literally been carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. All of her willingness to bear these burdens took its toll on her body.

The real significance of this request was the fact it was made by my mother. She rarely asks anything for herself and always is the first to lend a helping hand to anyone in need. My mother demonstrated to me that it is possible to love someone and yet not love their actions. She showed me family is not just biological; it means being there for one another, accepting each other without exception and it means being willing to start over again and again with one another. When all of these elements are present, you are in the presence of family. In this sense, my family far extends beyond my nuclear one; it encompasses anyone I meet who I do not see as separate from me.

After enjoying a delicious meal, my mom asked if I could help her with her pain in her back. I showed her some exercises on the floor that entailed using a foam roller. As she lay on the roller, she spoke about all of the struggles she endured the past year and about her anxiety regarding the future. I listened and told her it was OK and that she was fine and that her back would be much better just by talking about her fears. I also explained to her that the pain in her low back appeared to be associated with a tension in her shoulder. Trusting me, she began to relax the muscles in her neck and shoulder areas and took several deep breaths per my instructions. Then she stood up and I helped her stretch specific muscles in her back and shoulders.

Within a few minutes, her back pain lessened and her face looked less strained. It was an amazing moment: I, the daughter, and she, my mother, reversed traditional roles: I became the teacher and she, the student. We both learned the importance of reaching out to family and to being willing to admit we need help from one another. I am honored my mother asked me to help her and happy I could offer her some relief from the many burdens she chooses to shoulder. Family is being home and I am when I am with mine.

Regarding the photo, this is one of my mom's favorite pictures of me...I guess I will always be her little girl!

Day 21

Today's favor was about true love. I received a request from a new friend asking me to help him evaluate his career goals and aspirations through some life coaching exercises. He recalled from one of our previous conversations, that prior to teaching Pilates, I led small groups in my home and saw clients privately as a life coach.

We met at a coffee shop in Los Angeles and were fortunate to have a large section of the outdoor patio available to only us. Our conversation began with us exchanging the usual pleasantries and with me asking him what he hoped to accomplish during our session. He paused for a moment and then said, "Actually, what I really want to talk about is my reaction to something you said in a past conversation. It really made me think."

Puzzled, I scanned my memories of conversations past and replayed my words as best as possible, yet unable to glom onto any one particular statement of note. Finally, after several moments that seemed like an eternity, I responded, "What did I say?" He sat up tall in his chair and then leaned into the table slightly with rounded shoulders and uttered the following in a low voice, "I asked you why you were single since you seem like such an amazing woman and you said it was because you needed to learn how to love yourself completely before you could give a man unconditional love and that you were open to that now but not in a hurry to have it."

Taking a careful sip of his steaming coffee, he remained silent for a moment and then continued, "I thought that was so brave of you to say to me, so refreshing to hear something other than the usual canned LA-girl response of 'I'm picky or I won't settle.' You don't know me that well and yet you said those words with confidence and sureness. It really made me think about my life and that I need to learn that too: I need to learn how to love myself fully before I can have a serious relationship again. I guess what I really want to accomplish today is to say thank you."

Beyond stunned, I searched for the words to form a response, but found none. Instead, a gentle laughter filled the air and I at last said, "Wow, that was the last thing I expected to hear during our session today. I'm touched that what I said meant so much to you and happy it was helpful. You are very welcome."

It seems the only constant in life is that it is never constant. It continuously changes in unexpected ways. It is our choice to see these unexpected occurrences as deterrents from our pre-set agendas or as a gift to help us look at something or someone in a slightly different way without a sense of loss of purpose or destination. Each favor shares in common the fact that the real meaning or purpose is not evident upon a superficial inspection; it is only through reflection and introspection its true essence reveals itself to me. Thank you to all of you for helping me to continue on this journey to see what really is and not what I perceive it to be.