Day 15

Today was about receiving kindness. I awoke this morning in a sort of haze. The past few weeks of late nights, full days and re-evaluting thought processes and patterns left me a tad weary. I planned to attend a meeting in the morning, go for a hike, work on the blog and then take advantage of the favor request sent to me specifiying for me to, "Dream for a day" The requester asked for me to, "Take a day to dream for your self. Remember how you used to dream of things as a child? Daydream as a teen? Take a day for yourself to dream about you, what you want big and small, things you want to do, places to go, romance to be had, passion to experience, your life in 5 years, the fun you will have, the life you deserve, and dream of peace inner and outer."

Such a lovely and thoughtful gift and favor. I could not wait to go for a hike, sit on top of my favorite rock and dream away the rest of the day. It sounded like the perfect way to spend a Saturday. However, perfect days may unfold imperfectly and with an even greater effect than we initially anticipate.

As I drove to my meeting blurry-eyed and uncaffeinated, I noticed my car was driving oddly. It was making a strange noise and felt like I left the brake on. I pulled out of my driveway and the noise continued. A few bystanders pointed to my car and gestured for me to pull-over. One man seeing my need, came over and offered to help me change the apparently completely flat tire. Tears welled up in my eyes behind the protection of my sunglasses and I replied, "Yes, please. That would be wonderful." The tears flowed out of thinking I was not worthy of this kindness in some way and out of being overwhelmed by another's offer to help.

It's ironic to admit this belief in light of the past two weeks of doing favors for others. Through this experience I gained empathy for the struggle so many of us encounter when faced with accepting kindness. We tend to view this acceptance as a surrender and as a symbol of not being self-sufficient or capable. For me to refuse this man's kindness would have been to say his offer was not enough to get me out of my head and destructive thought processes. I would be making a statement my needs were less important than another person's and therefore reflect negatively back on him. Why would he choose to demonstrate his kindness towards one who is not worthy? Surely there must be someone else in greater need...What I realized was that in that moment, no one was in more or less need of kindness than me, which means everyone deserves kindness equally on the level of content. Every one of us in this crazy world looks for validation for our choices; we somehow think if we ask for help it means we made the wrong choice. Otherwise, we should be able to do it alone.

After he swapped the flat for the spare tire, the man looked at me and said for me to hurry along to my meeting; there was still plenty of time and changing the tire took less time than I probably anticipated. I quickly glanced at my watch and saw his words were true; it had only taken 20 minutes; I was only 10 minutes late to the meeting. I realized I had a choice at that moment: I could let the flat tire color my whole day in a negative way or I could literally apply a "patch" to my day and start over. I chose the second option. This choice allowed me to get the tire fixed after being referred by a friendly group member and still take advantage of the favor request given to me to dream for a day. I made one such dream a reality by being able to reset my mind and my attitude even after a stressful start of my day. It is possible to turn back the hands of time.